It is always on pessimistic repeat. When you make plans to get married, to move away, to have kids, to get a puppy, it says "what's the point? you might not make it through into the new beginning, and getting your hopes up about your job, your spouse, your puppy will just make it all the more tragic when the end of your dreams come. Who knows what the future looks like? Why get all excited about someone or something if it will all get changed into something different in a few years?
I know a change is coming, I don't know how to behave up until this change.
Perhaps thats why I lose hope in people, I need to remember that it can be good, and I need to have faith in the future, I need to have faith in me.
Especially that last part. I seek renewance in me. I need to be optimistic about my self, and what i do now, what I do every day, what I think every day, and how I behave every day.
Why bother? is the old voice. The dark voice.
I hate my dumb voice.
I don't to be alone. I want to feel important to those I respect. I need to respect the importance of all individuals. That would have to sacrifice my ego, and lead me back to the question of what it is I do everyday and why.
What is the motivation for my efforts? To find home, to be accepted by my family, to serve the light that guides me, and the light in all beings.
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