I just want to explode

Out of this life, out of this body, out of this country, out of this demographic, out of this insanity. Just out.

I feel trapped, and I feel like I am supposed to single handedly fix everyone around me or let them "die." It feels like those are my two options. Help them or abandon them. Right now, I have chosen to avoid both of those options by instead ignoring the truth, the truth that will save them. Its so hidden that it is not hard to hide from.

I see no clear road in this. I know not how to live, where to live, or what happiness looks like. All I can manage to be is quiet, very quiet, like I was seven and making house in my closet corner. Quiet, or angry, or sad. Joyful is scary, because there is nowhere to put it, or nothing to describe it. It has no name, it has no reason that I can explain to anyone else.

I am an island of loneliness.

So if I explode, my blood with go into the ground, my heart will go into the clouds, and my dreams will be free.

I will be one with all things, and I won't be alone.

How am I supposed to proceed joyfully? I have no model in front of me. Nothing that I can admire. I have a vague idea of grey shadowy 5th dimensional beings. But I don't know how they speak or walk or laugh, or how they would live on Earth at this time?

How can you live here and be clean?

If I try to be clean of their madness, I feel the aloneness. If I try to coexist, I get vehemently angry.

Ignorance is not fault.

Even the dog is their anger and fear. Their noise.

I want to be away from their noise!

And then the silence will swallow us up again....